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Hills: Season Five, Part One (The)
R1 - America - Paramount Home Entertainment Review written by and copyright: Jeremiah Chin (24th November 2009). |
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The Show
 After watching the first part of the fifth season of “The Hills” (2007-Present) I am 100 percent certain that Dante was a time traveler and managed to catch all five seasons of “The Hills,” inspiring him to write the “Inferno” section of “The Divine Comedy” because after sitting through the first episode I can't think of nothing more hellish. Come take a ride through the first five circles of hell, reserved especially for the self-indulgent. The Second circle, lust, oh that’s covered. Fourth circle, reserved for those who have hoarded and squandered material goods? You know it. Wrath and Sloth and the fifth circle, all there. The third circle, gluttony, is probably the only one you can’t find in "The Hills," because well most of the people look like they don’t understand what healthy eating is and I’m not sure I saw anyone eat through the entirety of the show. But let’s go deeper into the violent sins in the next few circles of hell. The outer ring of the Seventh Circle reserved for those violent against people and property? They’re here too. Circle Eight that includes panderers, seducers, flatterers and fraudulent advisors, all to be found in the Hills. Sure I skipped a few circles and sections, but in just the first part of the fifth season its nearly all there. The season revolves around a marriage between Heidi (Heidi Montag) and Spencer (Spencer Pratt) that has yet to happen but has somehow driven apart the friendship of Heidi and Lauren (Lauren Conrad). Heidi goes to Lauren’s birthday party on a yacht to apologize, but Lauren can’t forgive Spencer. Que drama. After Spencer beats up his little sister’s ex boyfriend, Heidi forces him to attend couples therapy. So Spencer decides to change and the wedding goes no as planned. This is a short plot synopsis but, honestly there is no substance to this show, it’s simply a drawn out series of meaningless conflicts and excess. This is the world of the rich, white and beautiful. Somewhere I will never be a part of, a land where there are no problems for money, no need for want of anything beyond a self absorbed world of fancy where fantasy masquerades as reality and your soul has no meaning. I’m not sure what scares me more, if this is a scripted show or if this might really be what their world looks like. But of course you can tell easily that the show is not only produced, but it’s nearly fully scripted. No one steps on each others dialogue, dramas all come and go, move and fade and get resolved neatly with a couple of messes between that make for slightly more drama or movement in the show. All of the actors in the show, and they are actors, execute their mild, vapid, dramatic lives to perfection. Either it’s a fine job of acting, or its simply how they think their lives really are. Some dialogue sounds real like when Spencer confronts a fellow bro in a bar, demanding “Touch me dog so I can f**k you up” in a sort of eloquence that only reality can allow. But later on Lauren says “Life isn’t an island” which seems almost completely out of character for the ampout of insight that she is trying to bring to the table. Honestly, their lives are an island. There is no semblance of the real world or real events, their lives are just what come around in 20 minute episodes to be fed to the media hungry masses every now and then. Sure they can get followed by paparazzi and fans in the mean time, but the fact that this show is purported to be reality, it means that these are their supposedly real lives and nothing truly exists for them. Such a hollow existence of a show, devoid of anything other than superficial and personal drama, is probably removed to it’s own section of hell as Dante would have described: Removed from the world is a place called “the Hills;” The home of Kristin, Audrina and Heidi. A place where there is no need for human wills, Nor souls nor want nor anything untidy. A land where the white, young and pretty frolic. And live out their sterile, carefree lives idly. Their world of fashion is plainly symbolic, It’s the outside that counts, their world is a show. Free of anything truly vitriolic. This is a land of hell, I want you to know. I would sooner gouge out my eyes than watch more. These hills are just a hopless, vapid plateau. Episodes in this part of the season are: - “Don’t Cry On Your Birthday” - “Everything Happens For a Reason” - “I’m Done with You” - “Crazy in Love” - “I always Had A Little Crush” - “Playmates Bring The Drama” - “Keep Your Enemies Closer” - “Father of the Bride” - “Hi Lauren, It’s Spencer…” - “Something Old, Something New…”
Video
The look of the show really gets at the depths of the show, presented in a 1.78:1 anamorphic aspect ratio, the transfer doesn’t quite match up to the hyperreal sheen of the show. Everyone is incredibly lit no matter what the situation and all of their makeup is perfect. The transfer brings out some of the real flaws of the show, with some pixilation and interlacing problems in seeming random circumstances. I’m surprised the show isn’t on Blu-ray, though the clarity may reveal the fakeness of the show where every meal has a mimosa or some champagne.
Audio
As an MTV show it has a modern MTV soundtrack of all the pop, emo and trendy music you can handle on an English Dolby Digital 2.0 stereo soundtrack. The sound is a true emulation of the show, flat, hollow and superficial. The music soundtrack sucks, not my style of music in the least but I guess matches the show well. The mastering of the sound lacks any pops or grain, its just flat and disinteresting. It’s a little suprising that there are no other audio or subtitle tracks other than what’s automatically there in the show, but it makes sense since I don’t exactly expect this, or want this, to be exported to the rest of the world as an example of what happens in the United States. There are no subtitles on this disc either.
Extras
Finally come the special features which, across 2-discs, are fairly barren, only a huge clump of featurettes, interviews, deleted scenes, and bonus trailers. DISC ONE: The only thing here are a pair of start-up bonus trailers: - “The City: Season One” runs for 1 minute and 45 seconds. - “Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders Fitness” runs for 39 seconds. DISC TWO: “Speidi’s Wedding Unveiled” runs for 19 minutes and 37 seconds. This featurette is more like an extra episode of the hills and they talk about their relationship and how they got to their wedding. Everyone else weighs in on the show and the wedding. It just shows more fakeness to the show. “Lauren’s Last After Show” featurette runs for 20 minutes and 41 seconds, which is apparently a regular installment covers the life of Lauren on the show. I didn’t think there was a more vapid and flat version of the show, but there is and it’s the after show. It’s terrifying how many people are in for this show and gathered to just cheer and see a couple of show hosts talking about the hills. Now I know there is no soul left in MTV production. There are nine deleted scenes in all, playable together for 16 minutes and 5 seconds or separately described below: - “The Gnarliest Mom Ever” runs for 1 minute and 48 seconds, Spencer describes Heidi’s mom to his bro on the driving range, guffaw. - “Brody on Jane” runs for 2 minutes and 4 seconds, Brody and Lauren sit outside of a coffee shop and talk about his girlfriend. - “Steph’s Perfect Guy” runs for 1 minute and 52 seconds, Steph describes her perfect guy to Heidi. - “Double Date” runs for 3 minutes and 24 seconds, Spencer, Heidi and Charlie meet up with Stephanie for a double date and Stephanie describes the things she doesn’t like about him. - “Dan Ackroyd was Abducted” and runs for 1 minute and 12 seconds, is the second part of the previous scene, if you watch the scenes individually the second half of this scene plays. - “Meeting the Script” runs for 1 minute and 46 seconds, a trio of Irish musicians meet with Kiera and Audrina about a gig. - “Never Get Mad at the Girl” runs for 1 minute and 25 seconds , Lauren talks about her past relationships. - “Meeting with the Pastor” runs for 2 minutes and 17 seconds, Spencer and Heidi meet with a pastor and act very cutesy. - “Ring Shopping” runs for 1 minute and 29 seconds, Spencer and Heidi go to the Jewlers and shop for items. Next are the interviews with the three principle characters of the show, playable together for 57 minutes and 27 seconds, dealing with each of their perspectives on their encounters throughout the season: - “Lauren” plays for 21 minutes and 33 seconds, she talks about Heidi showing up at her birthday, Brody, her internship, her friendship with Stephanie, firing Stephanie, the Wedding, her departure and the future of “The Hills.” - “Heidi” runs for 19 minutes and 11 seconds, she talks about Lauren’s birthday party. Spencer, Colby, Bible Study, Couples Therapy, her parents, ‘the new Spencer,’ the wedding, the future of "The Hills" and her run on “I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here” (2009). - “Audrina” runs for 16 minutes and 43 seconds, she talks about Justin, her friends, Lauren’s party, Lauren and Heidi, Living with Lauren, Hawaii, the wedding, Kristin Cavallari, the future of the show and part two of season five. “After Show Remixes” clips runs for 12 minutes and 17 seconds, consisting of different soundbites of the show remixed into a sort of techno song or put into different clipshows. This is the sort of thing that will follow you through the varied circles of hell, signaling your further descent into an abyss that you can’t return from and only move through with the hope of purgatory. “Season 5 Photoshoot” featurette runs for 4 minutes and 17 seconds. Behind-the-Scenes looks at makeup for the photoshoot that graces the cover of the show and the different promotional materials for the show. They look just as fake, made-up and photoshopped in the photoshoot as they do in the show itself. Finally are the bonus trailers for: - “The City: Season One” runs for 1 minute and 45 seconds. - “Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders Fitness” runs for 39 seconds. - “Rob Dyrdek’s Fantasy Factory: Season One” season one runs for 33 seconds. - “The Nitro Circus: Season One” runs for 2 minutes and 19 seconds. - “Rock Band 2” runs for 44 seconds.
Packaging
The 2-disc set is packaged in two slim amaray keep cases within a cardboard slip-case.
Overall
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