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Picture This
[Blu-ray]
Blu-ray A - America - MGM Home Entertainment Review written by and copyright: Anthony Arrigo (10th June 2011). |
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The Film
 Some films aren’t worth wasting words on, and “Picture This” (2008) is one of those films. This is the kind of film that will appeal to exactly two distinct demographic groups: tweens who have a clue what an Ashley Tisdale is, and 40-something-year-old virginal internet nerds who spend a countless number of hours vacillating between fapping to images of nubile young starlets and sipping Mountain Dew while they groom their World of Warcraft characters. I don’t fall into either category, so making it through this movie was almost as pleasant as someone taking a belt sander to my scrotum. I’m not going to provide my own spin on the film’s story, so I’ll simply let the description given on the Blu-ray’s back cover fill you in on the details: Mandy (Ashley Tisdale) has just been invited to the biggest party of the year by the most popular boy in school, but there’s one problem – she’s grounded! When her father (Kevin Pollak) agrees to let her go study with friends, he insists on checking in every half hour via video cell phone. Trapped by technology, Mandy and her “cell” mates need a little ingenuity – and a lot of imagination – to make it to the party without exposing the plan to Dad’s prying eyes! So, just to sum this up, the movie is about a girl who has to check in with her dad every 30 minutes by video chat on her cell phone or else… well, I don’t know what would’ve happened. I can tell you that the real life version of this film would’ve likely had the main girl sneaking out of the house to get wasted and make out with Generic Hunk until she vomited in his mouth. Unfortunately, the film isn’t nearly as entertaining as that vision; it’s an insufferable waste of precious moments in your life. If I had a teenage daughter and I found a copy of this film in her room, I would probably burn it. Although, I’d like to think I could raise a child capable of making more intelligent film decisions than choosing to watch this. I would honestly rather eat this Blu-ray, unseasoned, than see it enter my player and start up again. If you’re a fan of Tisdale (honestly, I don’t know who she is or what she’s famous for) then I’m sure this already has a cushy spot in your home video collection. Those who aren’t a fan of hers, well, I can’t see a single reason why anyone would even seek this film out. My brain is already starting to hurt from having to reference moments in the film, so rather than pop a half dozen Advil, I’ll simply state this – don’t waste your time.
Video
The widescreen 1.78:1 1080p 24/fps AVC MPEG-4 encoded image looks awful. Truly. I half expected another stellar transfer from Fox/MGM despite the quality of the film, but this one receives a picture it deserves – one which is devoid of traits associated with high definition. The image is so soft and muddy that I’m not convinced this wasn’t simply an upconverted transfer from a standard definition source. Colors look decent, but hardly pop off the screen with any vibrancy. Blacks look chunky and hazy, never appearing deep & rich. There’s plenty of grain, but it doesn’t appear filmic, rather it looks like noise, preventing the image from obtaining a respectable level of clarity in the image. Forget about sharpness – it’s not even present in any form. I’d expect this kind of shabby treatment from a budget company. I don’t blame Fox/MGM for putting minimal, if any, work into cleaning up the transfer. Maybe this was just a problem that originated from the source. Not that any of my words even matter much, since I’d suspect anyone who watches this movie likely hasn’t got picture quality at the forefront of their thoughts.
Audio
The English DTS-HD Master Audio 5.1 surround sound track mixed at 48kHz/24-bit is paltry and weak. Aside from being assaulted by generic tween pop music during a few sequences, the track limps along with infrequent surround speaker use and a complete lack of LFE presence. Some of the sound effects and music tracks sound noticeably louder than the dialogue, leaving the track unbalanced and rather annoying. There are few things more irritating than listening to teenagers whine & bitch… that is, until you’ve got the listen to them in lossless audio. I’ve never been more tempted to stick sewing needles in my own ears. Also included are Spanish and French Dolby Digital 5.1 surround sound tracks. Subtitles are available in English for the hearing impaired, Spanish and French.
Extras
Thankfully – mercifully – Fox/MGM hasn’t included much in the way of extras here. There are a couple of featurettes and a mind-numbing scene-specific text commentary. “The Making of “Picture This”” (480p) is a featurette that runs for 8 minutes and 47 seconds. “Cell Phone Confessions” (480p) is a series of short clips featuring the cast making “confessions” about secrets from the shoot. Some sounded true, others a total joke. At least they were short: - “Cell Phone Confession #1” runs for 47 seconds. - “Cell Phone Confession #2” runs for 23 seconds. - “Cell Phone Confession #3” runs for 20 seconds. - “Cell Phone Confession #4” runs for 32 seconds. - “Cell Phone Confession #5” runs for 23 seconds. - “Cell Phone Confession #6” runs for 28 seconds. - “Cell Phone Confession #7” runs for 26 seconds. - “Cell Phone Confession #8” runs for 24 seconds. “GR8 Scene-Specific Texting” (480p) is exactly the kind of feature that could make your head explode if it weren’t so brief. We’re shown 3 scenes with text commentary from the actors. You have the option of selecting “Cool” or “Oblivious” – the first will type the responses to look like they were written by a 13-year-old girl with ADD. For example: ”DIZ sne we had 2 do @ nght and were sooo exhstd ;)”. Select “Oblivious” to read actual sentences that are literate: - “Brown Leather Couch” runs for 2 minutes and 32 seconds. - “Almost Car Crash” runs for 2 minutes and 2 seconds. - “Séance” runs for 1 minute and 57 seconds. “The Making of Shadows of the Night” (480p) is a featurette that runs for 3 minutes and 47 seconds. Watch Ashley sing with the aid of Pro Tools and an army of sound engineers who could make Helen Keller sound like a superstar.
Packaging
A standard amaray eco-case with horrendous cover art.
Overall
Avoid it. That’s all I’m saying.
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